5 AM.

that's the time.

my eyes are tired and starting to sting, and sleep has yet to seduce me.

i have a lot on my mind, and a lot in my heart i want to say, but I'm not ready.

i wonder how long can i carry this weight around..

lately I'm dealing with alot of emotional and personal issues.

welcome back insomnia, anxiety attacks and bad dreams..

a few of my relationships are flourishing, while others seem to be decaying before my eyes, or have reached a plateau. I'm looking for answers within, but the harsh realities of what would change and the admittance of mistakes are much too scary.

for me, being the only one willing to admit mistakes Is much too scary.

I'm being stretched in every direction it seems.

and its uncomfortable, but of importance.

to everyone pulling.

energy, motivation, and desire,
just zapped.

Ive quit talking.

i don't have much to say anymore, to anyone. i may trust you, but not enough to be my most vulnerable self. when i felt like i could let my guard down with someone... they showed i couldn't. that they had been keeping their own reservations about me.. its amazing how easy you end up back where you never wanted to be..

now I'm stuck.

feeling a bit obligated.

feeling doubtful.

i feel like I'm battling who i want to be and who i am.

i feel at times as if my environment and location, the people I'm surrounded by are the reason i feel this way. how is anyone to grow and change constantly being reminded of what they do incorrectly and inadequately? sometimes i wonder when I'm left crying in discussions, frustrated, and/or feeling helpless.. just how innocent and at the same time guilty, others and myself are.

i often wonder... how and why did i become this person.. someone with so much potential and so little lack of motivation and self belief? how did i become someone that lacks so much certainty, but could radiate such confidence? when did i start believing what every naysayer had to say about me? when did i become a victim of circumstance and choice?

i hope i find the answers.

because i feel as though I'm running out of time..

at times, running out of opportunities...

will i find myself before i lose myself? ..completely.

im suppose to be loving and enjoying myself..

in fear, in pain, in love, isn't where i was suppose to be.

168 hours, 10,080 minutes, 604,800 seconds .

that's Seven Days. SEVEN. DAYS. (:

since starting my Locs and boy do I have alot to tell you all.

Day(s) 1-4 : were a entertaining breeze.

I was in awe of my new Locs and couldnt seem to quit touching them. i twisted and palm rolled hours of my time away in two and three sittings in a day, and any time i passed a mirror you bet i would get sidetracked by my hair's reflection, stopping to twist or palm roll some more. i admit i was babying them. making sure each Loc was twisted and falling appropriately, well kept and shiny looking. i didn't realize i was tiring myself out by attempting to maintain a look that wasn't so easily manipulated. i went out for the first time since starting my Locs during these four days as well.. Panera. holding my King's hand, i felt confident in my sweatpants, His Polo t-shirt, and my favorite pair of shoes: my sperry's - waiting in line for soup and sandwiches. i felt the multiple pairs of eyes roaming our existence from head to toe, and back to head. some of the penetrating stares showed: interest, uncertainty, unconcern, admiration, and judgement. living in a predominately white city i expected such looks, but i can honestly say now that when my boyfriend and i are out, we seem to be more of a focal point for a larger range and variety of people no matter location. This particular day, unlike usual, the stares didn't bother me. I wanted people to stare and wonder and question. I wanted MY HAIR to be seen! (:

Day 5 : was bittersweet.

it was the first day i slid open my closet door and had to put together a "Knottie Special" and go out for mine and my boyfriend's Saturday adventures. ( we always spend Saturday's together exploring and going to close range cities, sight seeing and trying different eateries) I woke up that morning, unwrapped and shook my hair, extremely happy with the look and feel of my new Locs. i admired them in the mirror without touching them and smiled big to myself, trying to contain my excitement and happiness "yes!.. yes, yes!". after getting dressed, looking and feeling better than ever.. as if i somehow had shed new skin.. i saw beauty i never seen before, a glow that always seemed to be transparent. i told myself "I Love You. You Are Beautiful. You Are Strong. I Appreciate That I Am The Vessel For Your Inner Greatness. I Am Happy and Grateful To Be In This Skin."

and everything was everything, until..

as i sat playing in his hair, senses heightened by the haze, i noticed the pattern all His Locs seemed to be twisted in. I touched my own head, fingers inspecting each Loc, when i realized some of my Locs were twisted in the incorrect direction! (counterclockwise) If you start all your Locs counterclockwise/clockwise it doesn't matter, but its not good or recommended to have Locs twisted in both directions, so as not to confuse yourself and untwist them. i was crushed. they looked so beautiful, so perfect..

after discussing the matter with Him and doing my own research i decided to loosen and comb out the incorrectly twisted Locs and re-do them. although i was bummed, i was happy that i caught the mistake EARLY.

Day 6 : was frustrating.

It was the day after re-twisting the Locs that were misdone and i was saddened by the little progress i had seen in my hair that was now gone. i had been reminded to "focus on those roots" and both my arms and hands agreed with my mind and spirit that we were tired, already. i was unmotivated and didn't touch my hair much. in fact i seemed to ignore it all together. i think at the end of the night i attempted to twist some of my Locs.. but only the ones that i had to re-twist the previous night. i was being met with resistance while twisting due to the fact my Locs were already being trained to go the opposite direction - the whole process was dismaying. when finished, i wrapped my hair up and for once was anxious to go to sleep. i couldn't wait to wake up and see what a good night's rest did to flatten the new "springs".

Day 7 : has been better.

Today, when i awoke my Locs were going in many directions across my head. Messy and frizzy, i felt the need to wear a hat as well. it was raining and although i loved seeing the ever changing looks my Locs were showcasing daily, i was in no mood to twist or palm roll to appear presentable. i did however, after being out and about for awhile palm roll a few Locs to attempt to control some of the puffiness, and save those that had come undone/loosened. my hair and i have just been chilling today (:

*the Left Side of my head: the side i had to re-twist.

*the Top of My Head. (grid parting.)

*the Right Side of my head. I love this side ... as of right now... shh! (:

I plan to just leave my hair alone for the next day or two - let it just do it's "thang". The Plan: is to let my roots get frizzy and dry so when i finally sit down and re-twist my roots, they'll be easier to twist and more likely to keep it's shape. and of course, we NEVER want to over twist them. (I'm still unaware of what that looks like or how you can tell you are, but that's why there's Google! lol) when i do re-twist them i'll be using either..

or...

with Lock Grow, its good to use when re-twisting. it helps to hold the Loc's form without the extra weight that the the Loc Wax can add.

i noticed my roots seem to occasionally come unloose (after sleep, a day or two of being untouched, etc.), but easily take form again after a quick root to tip re-twisting, and some palm rolling, when i use this on my hair. the Locking Creme Wax does pretty much what Lock Gro does, but i noticed does add weight and a somewhat sticky, greasy feel. my hair is thick and soft and when used in small amounts (only at the root) was it okay. i tried using the Locking Creme Wax on one entire lock and after drying with the blow dryer, it left my hair feeling stiff and immobile, but that's just me (:

i used the Locking Gel when i first started my Locs. it wet my hair enough to easily twist and shape, but it made clipping the root of my hair difficult. The clips occasionally slipped out causing me or my sister to have to somewhat re-twist and re-clip the Loc. unless you plan to dry each Loc individually as you go, i don't recommend to start out using this.. but again, its a preference. i personally think it works better when your hair needs to be "tamed". a optional "quick fix" of sorts.

THIS, has been my scalp's saving grace! after about 4 days my scalp was dry and itchy, and after complaining to my boyfriend one night, he brought, sprayed, and massaged this into my scalp.

HAAAAAAAAAAAALEEEELLLUUUUJAAAAAH! ^_^

a.must.have.SERIOUSLY.

and of course i had to take my hot showers ((:

i attempted using a plastic shower cap my cousin so graciously gave to me from a previous hotel stay of hers, but unfortunately it didn't work so well for me. by time i had maneuvered the shower cap around my Locs and head the plastic was completely stretched and the elastic was of no use. That's when i decided to use a trash bag. i first tied my hair back with a hair band, clipping the strays back with clips.

these clips are good to have on hand to hold hair back and roots when twisting your Locs. i keep them in my hair while im blow drying to help my Locs hold their form. (if using a blow dryer, be careful. the clips get HOT! and with more scalp than what will show regularly early on, its not very comfortable. i know firsthand.... lol) i cant say for sure if I'll ever buy a shower cap, its a thought... but so far I've been pleased with using shopping bags. they're durable and after being tied, feel secure on your head. safe for facial cleansing and neck cleaning, times when water will usually wet both the back and the front of your hair.

surprisingly, everyone has been really positive and supportive of my new look and have complimented me on my Locs. most are shocked that i cut my hair and decided to make such a serious decision in regards to my hair, but they are always interested to hear Why?

and i of course, don't mind explaining (:

Every day I'm growing and learning from my hair...

realizing there's beauty and understanding in Imperfection. ((:

Hunger Pains.

i woke up one morning with the thought gnawing at my mind, pulling at my heart strings..

i had spent many nights running my fingers through His Locs--sniffing and twisting, lusting and gushing about them to Him. i needed my own, finally.

I've always been too afraid to experiment with my hair very much, fearful that i might do something so wrong my hair would never be the same. having heard countless horror stories of regret and sworn promises of what my peers would "never do again" i admit, i was timid about any drastic decision dealing with my mane, but through boredom and wanting change, i arrived... (:

Before doing my research and having a boyfriend with Locs, i had been living a very misinformed life. i had a very limited if not most ignorant education of this beautiful representation of life, culture, and spiritual growth. i had focused my attention plenty of times on the beautiful brown sisters i would see with the intricate and unique hairstyles that seemed to adorn their crowns, wondering... what would i look like with hair like that? could i really cut my hair and not be afraid? what would people say?

growing up i had always been admired and complimented for having "beautiful hair" "pretty hair" "good hair" hair that "i would kill for" and "pay top dollar for", being mixed, with light features only added to a perception of beauty that i seemed to be lucky to fit into.

i early on learned that like money, beauty was yet another root of Evil. that people although all so different, unique and special in their own way, picked and chose what was beautiful based off unrealistic images of what beauty is. i was talked about on numerous occasions for the few times i did experiment with my hair; the occasional bob when i called myself rocking "short hair" and the inches i would cut calling it a "trim", and i was always happiest when the crowd seemed to dislike it (: i guess one day i should thank my family for always being the outspoken, opinionated, overbearing people they can be, i could have possibly really damaged my hair by dyeing, cutting, and experimenting early on, and so often, like i wanted to.

looking back on it, there were always signs that Locs were where i would end up...

I failed at braids. i was too anal for the time consuming designs i wanted in my long hair and scarves never seemed to stay on to maintain the look. it was starting to become a waste of money and a boring hassle.

Short hair didn't provide enough versatility with my head shape..in my opinion (:

i attempted popular cuts and considered coloring and low lights to spruce things up, but the furthest i went was a couple boxes of Clairol and a dark red that could only be seen in the sunlight. interesting enough, the thought of growing my hair out for Locs always made more sense, even then, than just waiting and waiting for my hair to grow back in order to re cut it again.

My naturally curly/wavy hair has always been fairly long and thick allowing me the ability to make the cuts i felt were needed and pull off a lot of different hairstyles, but was always boring to me. i flat ironed and curled, twisted and braided, wore clips and cute buns, gelled down and moussed up, until finally giving in and wearing it loose, all over my head. a small spray bottle and an army of hair products depending on the various variations of curls i wanted, this was what it had come to..

and then, i started dating my boyfriend.

When we started talking he had baby Locs and never having dated a guy with Locs or braids or anything other than a fade or taper, my interest was immediately peaked. watching him closely over time, as they grew, as we both twisted, as He spoke and educated me on Loc upkeep and the interesting triumphs and trials that only Loc wearers would understand, by time we had developed into a couple, my inspiration had went from budding to fully blossomed.

numerous nights, a mixture of purple and kush smoke lead me to the Internet and YouTube site to watch and read up on Locs and various other subjects of interest for hours, arriving at the realization that this might just be for me--Locs were a identifiable link to my life and my hair woes.

deciding to start Locs was a process within itself..

i studied different head shapes, hair types, free formed Locs and Sister Locs, i witnessed extensions and such well manicured Locs i could only remain in awe. i watched videos, spoke to strangers, read Loc Journey's, investigated different Locing products when in hair stores, and the more i learned and experienced for myself, the more certain i became. i started looking at myself more in the mirror, not admiring my face, but my hair and head.. feeling, pulling, rolling, twisting, and pinning it "here and there" to get a feel for the transition. although, i never envisioned my hair looking the way it looks Now *big smile* i wasn't far off.

i think when you read those online sites and they have tips on What You Need For Locs.. they need to include self assurance on their list. you need confidence to wear your hair like a mop for weeks on end (: , patience to let your hair do its Own thing, but self assurance that you want to make this commitment to Your Hair and YourSelf. i was met with great resistance when i first broke the news that i was considering locing my hair. everyone had something NEGATIVE to say and were very open about what i should and shouldn't do. at times i would call my boyfriend sad and emotional because of what people were saying, but it never dismayed me enough to reconsider my decision. in fact, it was another form of motivation and a subtle affirmation that i needed to do this for MYSELF. i had to let go and stop carrying around the opinions of others and make a decision.

i washed my hair REALLY good for the first and last time with complete control over every hair fiber in my hands, with Mane and Tail shampoo, used NO conditioner, pat dried, and made one of the happiest decisions of my life: i brushed all of my hair to the top of my head, gathering all of my wet tresses and twisted it into a long spiral, held by a hair tie at the base, i took a new pair of hair scissors and snipped the ponytail--bye-bye! (: no looking back and no second thought about the length i cut off, i sat down, and with the help and time of my older sister who parted for, and twisted and palm rolled with, me for a total of 3-4 hours, 42 Locs were born (:

they are beautiful.

they are perfect, already.

they are everything i knew i wanted.

I'm only two days in, but IF you are considering Locs i can honestly say that for me and for many people who decide they want Locs, its a feeling. if every time you see someone with Locs or your ears perk up anytime they are mentioned, your attraction has grown from fascination and interest to an obsession and a pressing thought, if you can visualize yourself with them, see them collectively.. what are you waiting for? (: it's just hair, it WILL grow back. we make mistakes everyday, obvious, noticeable, public mistakes, and most of them we regret, but half of them are fixable and ultimately are blessings in disguise..

the odds are in you and your Locs favor (: