5 AM.

that's the time.

my eyes are tired and starting to sting, and sleep has yet to seduce me.

i have a lot on my mind, and a lot in my heart i want to say, but I'm not ready.

i wonder how long can i carry this weight around..

lately I'm dealing with alot of emotional and personal issues.

welcome back insomnia, anxiety attacks and bad dreams..

a few of my relationships are flourishing, while others seem to be decaying before my eyes, or have reached a plateau. I'm looking for answers within, but the harsh realities of what would change and the admittance of mistakes are much too scary.

for me, being the only one willing to admit mistakes Is much too scary.

I'm being stretched in every direction it seems.

and its uncomfortable, but of importance.

to everyone pulling.

energy, motivation, and desire,
just zapped.

Ive quit talking.

i don't have much to say anymore, to anyone. i may trust you, but not enough to be my most vulnerable self. when i felt like i could let my guard down with someone... they showed i couldn't. that they had been keeping their own reservations about me.. its amazing how easy you end up back where you never wanted to be..

now I'm stuck.

feeling a bit obligated.

feeling doubtful.

i feel like I'm battling who i want to be and who i am.

i feel at times as if my environment and location, the people I'm surrounded by are the reason i feel this way. how is anyone to grow and change constantly being reminded of what they do incorrectly and inadequately? sometimes i wonder when I'm left crying in discussions, frustrated, and/or feeling helpless.. just how innocent and at the same time guilty, others and myself are.

i often wonder... how and why did i become this person.. someone with so much potential and so little lack of motivation and self belief? how did i become someone that lacks so much certainty, but could radiate such confidence? when did i start believing what every naysayer had to say about me? when did i become a victim of circumstance and choice?

i hope i find the answers.

because i feel as though I'm running out of time..

at times, running out of opportunities...

will i find myself before i lose myself? ..completely.

im suppose to be loving and enjoying myself..

in fear, in pain, in love, isn't where i was suppose to be.